Alan King Quotes

Alan King was an American comedian and actor. He was known for his humorous observations and storytelling, often drawing on his experiences as a Jewish American. King's wit and comedic talent made him a beloved figure in the world of stand-up comedy.

I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.

As you get older, as you become more sensitive, feel more, it becomes harder to make jokes. You censor yourself.

I was a high school throw-out.... -Alan King

I was a high school throw-out.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but t... -Alan King

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is f... -Alan King

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great h... -Alan King

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out ... -Alan King

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to k... -Alan King

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

Performing is just standing up there and doing something. Performance takes on an edge to it. It has a more dramatic context.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ... -Alan King

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Le... -Alan King

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Modesty is not one of my virtues.... -Alan King

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.... -Alan King

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighti... -Alan King

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ve... -Alan King

When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ventriloquist kits on the back of comic books.

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