Demetri Martin Quotes

Demetri Martin is a skilled comedian known for his work in stand-up comedy and comedy shows. He might be acclaimed for his unique style of humor and clever wordplay in his performances.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

The digital camera is a great invention because it... -Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Discovering the context

This quote highlights one of the advantages of digital cameras—the ability to instantly capture and revisit memories. It suggests that the convenience and immediacy of digital photography contribute to the enjoyment of reminiscing and recalling past experiences.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you'r... -Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes wit... -Demetri Martin

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy... -Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Discovering the context

This quote humorously reflects a shift in the speaker's perspective on sports after realizing that trophies can be purchased, jokingly implying proficiency in all endeavors.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces.... -Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places ... -Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Discovering the context

The speaker states a preference for avoiding television shows, politics, and exclusive venues with VIP access.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Demetri Martin Quotes

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