Joan Rivers Quotes

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we... -Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on... -Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consid... -Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to b... -Joan Rivers

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.... -Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Discovering the context

This quote suggests that diets, similar to clothing, should be personalized and suited to an individual's needs and preferences. It implies the importance of finding a dietary approach that aligns with one's unique requirements and lifestyle for long-term success.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seco... -Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my b... -Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Never floss with a stranger.... -Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never foun... -Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her hous... -Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today... -Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

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