Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with wome... -Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to ... -Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Discovering the context

This quote employs humor to playfully exaggerate the satisfaction of eating a large quantity of rice when one is exceptionally hungry. It emphasizes the filling nature of rice and the hyperbolic imagery of consuming an immense quantity.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitc... -Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adult... -Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really... -Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to w... -Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm ups... -Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store did... -Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whi... -Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matte... -Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman w... -Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Discovering the context

This quote humorously implies that the speaker doesn't currently have a girlfriend but acknowledges someone they know who might be upset if they were referred to as a girlfriend. It reflects on the complexities and sensitivities of relationships and how words can impact them.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by... -Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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