Funny Quotes - Page 29

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

'Smart Funny & Black' came about because I felt that black comedians were being considered as only capable of a certain type of comedy - sort of physical, kind of silly - and I felt like we are not a monolith, and our comedy isn't, either.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you're not going to get funny. That's why I play so many bad guys.

Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it's a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

I have an unfortunate personality.

I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around.

My parents' marriage is a gift to everyone around them - 60 years of making their kids laugh. How many parents are actually funny?

I think if I'm with a friend group, I try to be as funny as possible, and I don't always succeed, obviously.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I'm a funny guy. I want people to laugh. I laugh at myself, I make fun of myself. But at the end of the day everything that I say has a message in it.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.

You know, I'm just a very boring, not very funny person in person. I don't feel pressured to be otherwise.

I hear a lot of people singing in funny voices and singing like they're stupid. Singing in a deliberately fey and dumb and childish way. And I find it to be a disturbing trend.

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.

I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.